it was in front of me all the time …

The last fortnight has been a time of revelation.  I have resigned from a teaching post and taken a step back to evaluate where I commit my time and energy.

My children are more independent although we are marching into exam time (end of first year University and GCSEs); I’m self-employed so ultimately have control over my work time and space; I’ve finished all necessary qualifications which has taken 20 years(!) and have access to wonderful teachers and peers; I have a thriving practice and work in a space of peace and calm; I teach yoga therapy and Thai massage, two practices I deeply respect and love.

With so much work done, lessons learned and supports in place, I have been made to question why I feel I need to add more.  When I resigned from one aspect of my teaching, a dear friend said ‘when one door closes, another door opens’.  NO!  No more doors opening.  I just want to enjoy what I have and stand still.  The most shocking and liberating revelation of all: I don’t have to keep adding and growing.

I want simple pleasures.  What I want is to feel I have the time to buy fresh food and cook it.  I want to practice the piano every day.  When the phone rings I want to answer without worrying how long the conversation will take.  I want to go for a walk and notice. I cleaned the kitchen windows at the weekend.  In twenty minutes my outlook was clearer.  I could see the midges above the pond, watch the wrens diving in and out of the hedge and enjoy the robins searching in the newly dug soil – being in the garden was something else I found time to do.

It’s all so obvious.   I love my work but if I work even more, I play less.  And if I play less, I forget how important it is for me to be present to receive the hug from my son, to send cards to my family abroad, to invite my parents over for brunch, to see friends, to listen to music and choose how I move through life.  I love my work but it is not my life (that was another revelation).  Leads me to another revelation – I am in a position to choose.  So I’m choosing.

With that choice I am recalibrating and as I do, I am left to wonder why it has taken me so long to see.  Today, lots of questions have just disappeared without needing time and energy to answer them.  I thought I was good at ‘not doing and being’.  But actually, I have been ‘doing being’.  Turns out it’s not the same thing.

I am in my ideal life  – it was in front of me all the time

Today my offer is unconditional gratitude

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